What are boundaries and how can I use them in my life?
By Eliana Reyes
Clinical Contribution by Israa Nasir, MHC-LP, Director of Clinical Strategy
As mental health became part of our daily conversations, so have boundaries. Many of us have likely heard people discuss their boundaries. Maybe you’ve even had someone suggest you start setting some yourself.
We often hear people question, “Are boundaries something that can fit into my life?” There’s an idea that boundaries only exist for certain kinds of people or cultures. In truth, we’re all capable of setting and honoring boundaries. It’s just how you approach them.
What are boundaries?
Our Director of Clinical Strategy, Israa Nasir, MHC-LP, explains, “Boundaries are communications of limits to how you can show up in a relationship that keeps you safe as well as managing the needs of the relationship.”
Often you’ll hear people talk about boundaries with other people. The relationship you’re managing, though, can even be the one you have with yourself.
“Boundaries are not about abandoning people or cutting people off,” says Nasir. “They are like communications that let people know what is the best way to be in relation with you.”
By drawing these lines, you set the standard for how you should be treated. Healthy limits protect you and your relationships. When you and other people respect your boundaries, it can even help you show up more fully as yourself.
When is it time to establish boundaries?
You can tell it might be time to set boundaries if you feel your limits have been crossed. This won’t be the same for everyone, but Nasir says that building resentment is often a sign to set a boundary.
Along with resentment, other feelings can signal that it’s time to set boundaries. These include feeling:
Drained or overwhelmed
Physically exhausted
Like you can’t say no to others
Guilt for doing something for yourself
Powerless or like things only happen to you
Stress
Each of these feelings, especially together, could mean that you’re going beyond your own limits. You could be giving up too much of your time, energy, or resources.
If you’re raised in a culture that valorizes self-sacrifice and encourages giving in excess, you might have experienced pressure to push past your limits. Maybe you were even rewarded for doing it, including through approval and praise.
Setting boundaries can seem like a challenge or even a betrayal in these contexts. In truth, doing so lets you show up better for yourself and the people around you.
How do I set boundaries?
Sometimes, you know your boundary in the moment. Usually, though, it takes a bit of reflection. Try these guidelines to figure out how to start setting boundaries and how to adjust them to fit your life.
Figure out what limits were crossed and who crossed it.
“Really check in,” says Nasir. “Our body processes information faster than cognitive processing. If it’s safe to do so, get connected with your body.” Like with knowing when it’s time to set boundaries, this helps you find the moment those boundaries were violated.Understand who crosses those limits.
Identifying the “who” goes back to what we were saying earlier about your relationship with yourself. “When you think about needing to set a boundary, that requires analysis. Are you the one who’s doing it or is another person doing it?” explains Nasir, “We violate our own boundaries a lot.”
One example is what you do at a social event. Maybe you tell yourself and your friends that you’ll only have two drinks at a party. “When you get there and a friend pressures you to drink more, they’re disrespecting your request,” says Nasir.
Sometimes, it’s (also) on us. We still have responsibility over our actions. “If you end up drinking more, you also violated your own boundary,” Nasir goes on, “because you have a commitment to yourself. We push that on to other people, which is one level of the violation, but the act of going through with it is you disrespecting your own boundary.
“Boundaries aren't only about other people violating them. We can also set them for ourselves and fail to meet them.”Be rooted in your ‘why.’
Try an exercise called “benefit finding.” This helps you to be rooted in the reason you’re setting this boundary. You should be able to say:Why this boundary is important to you
What you hope to get out of setting this boundary
Knowing your ‘why’ can motivate you because you know the outcome you’re aiming for.
Set a realistic boundary.
Getting to boundaries that work for you may take some trial and error. You may struggle to hold your boundaries if you’re not used to it. That’s normal. Like any other skill, it’s something that may require practice.
If you continue to have a hard time holding a boundary and experience shame because of it, you may need to reevaluate your boundary. It’s tempting to make a big, dramatic change but is it realistic?
“Again, let’s say you go to a party,” says Nasir. “You say you want to leave at 6PM but don’t leave until 10. Maybe you should set the time to 9, instead.”
Change can be incremental. “Be realistic about what you can actually meet. You want to push yourself a little bit but if you push too far, you’re more likely to fail. That discourages you from having the boundary in the first place.”Prepare your responses and contingency plans.
Holding your boundaries requires some preparation.
Some ways to do this is by using “I” statements, that are about your needs and feelings. (After all, boundaries are about you and not controlling other people’s behavior.)
There might be situations where holding your boundary means using your own tools. Back to the example around drinking, you could have pre-made responses about it being for health reasons, to end the conversation. Or if someone insists on giving you too much food when you’ve had enough, you may need a contingency plan to just remove yourself from the room.Holding your boundaries by confronting someone
Not everyone will respect your boundaries. People may insist on continuing their behavior despite your contingency plans. How you choose to handle these people may involve many factors.
“It depends on your appetite for confrontation,” says Nasir. “If you are the kind of person who’s comfortable being firm, looking someone in the eye, and saying, ‘I’m not talking about this, Auntie,’ that’s something you can do if it fits the context you live in.”
If you choose to confront someone, you can even do it in private. You can prepare points to address and practice regulating yourself, even including a plan for aftercare.When confrontation isn’t an option
Confrontation may not always be the answer. “For many of us, that’s not the context we live in. That’s not appropriate. You can continue the strategy of limiting your exposure to the person at the event. Going forward, think about if you actually have to be around this person,” says Nasir. “You cannot control other people but you can control how much you’re around them.”
Sometimes, you can’t remove yourself. For example, a teenager may have no choice. In these situations, Nasir suggests learning to regulate yourself very well, find allies who can support you like another friend or cousin, and maybe even finding people you can vent to afterwards.
What type of boundaries can I set?
Once you know that it’s time to establish boundaries, you need to know what to set. You may find it’s obvious to you but it can help to have examples that guide you. Here’s a common framework for how to approach boundaries.
Time boundaries
A few examples we’ve shared so far could fit into this category. These are about the amount of time you give to an activity and how you spend your time. It could look like leaving a party by a certain hour or telling coworkers that you aren’t available outside of work hours.
Physical boundaries
These boundaries are usually about what level of physical distance or touch you’re comfortable with, but can also be about your body’s needs.
Physical boundaries around your needs could mean being upfront about things like saying you’ve had enough food or refusing to strain yourself when you’re hurt.
As for levels of comfort, boundaries could look like greeting people with high fives if your culture usually involves gestures like kisses on the cheek or hugging. You can decide how people interact with your body.
Sexual boundaries
Related to your physical boundaries, sexual boundaries are also about consent and comfort. This can be about your preferences, what level of intimacy you’re okay with, desire, contraception. Sexual boundaries can also be about the shape of your relationships with your partner(s).
Respecting your sexual boundaries means you shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with. That can change at any time, and it deserves respect every time.
Emotional boundaries
You can also set limits to what you share with certain people. It can also show up in how you spend your emotional energy. One way this might show up in some cultural contexts is realizing that it’s not your responsibility to manage everyone’s emotions.
Mental boundaries
Not everyone is entitled to your discussion or opinion. You can honor when it would be a good time to have certain types of conversations or just avoid them altogether with certain people.
This could come up at family gatherings if someone begins to broach topics like family planning or politics. You can find ways to refuse to engage or remove yourself. With people you feel closer with, you can ask to discuss something at a different time.
Material boundaries
These boundaries are usually about your belongings or finances. You can decide that maybe something isn’t for communal use or that your room is off limits (or you can try to request that in certain households). It’s also about being on the same page about budgets or even saying you can’t afford to give someone money.
Boundaries are an imperfect solution for an imperfect world
Life is full of discomfort. Boundaries help us enforce limits but they can’t erase all things unpleasant.
“The truth is, as much as we would love for the world to be a place where we will never be confronted by people who don’t respect us, that is just not the world we live in. It’s not just about aunties. It could be work. It could be your boss,” says Nasir.
Our relationships come with obligations, especially in certain cultures. These could be around in-laws or even responsibility for your own child you must care for.
“We have to build our emotional resilience and we have to build our communities,” Nasir continues. “The Western framework of boundaries is not always one-to-one applicable to our culture. We have to become creative about how we set boundaries.”
For Asian American contexts, we’ve put together a resource on why boundary frameworks solely rooted in Western culture can be difficult, and how to use a framework that considers Asian values. People living at the intersection of multiple value systems need boundaries that honor the entirety of their selves and their realities.
> Read our resource for Asian Americans
Because ultimately, that’s what boundaries help you do: protect your sense of self. None of our lives and selves are the same, so how we practice boundaries will depend on each person as well. It may even change as you do. They don’t have to be perfect. Boundaries just have to work for you.
